Remorse of the working mother

Remorse of the working mother

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One of the most important problems of working mothers is that they have to entrust their children to a family elder or carer during the day. For this reason, many mothers think that they cannot take care of their child sufficiently and feel remorse. However, many studies show that working mothers can better plan their time and spend better time with their children. KadıköyŞifa Ataşehir Hospital Specialist Clinical Psychologist Merve Büyükkucak She explains how working mothers can establish a healthy relationship with their children without remorse.

Today's living conditions unfortunately require mothers to return to their working life by leaving their babies, born with great enthusiasm, to a family elder or a caregiver they trust. In addition to career challenges, perhaps one of the most challenging issues for mothers is their ability to devote much less time to their children while trying to balance work and home life, and the guilt and conscience that comes with it. The biggest challenge is perhaps the lack of many models of mothers who have worked and mothers like themselves before.

There must be a loving relationship between the child and the caregiver!

However, although continuing to work or staying at home creates a great dilemma for mothers, the conclusions of the research are that the important thing for a healthy psychological development is between the child and the caregiver (eg mother, grandmother, grandmother, carer, etc.) that there is a loving, fulfilling and continuous satisfying relationship.

From birth, the mind and life of the mother have been busy with the care of the baby and her baby for a while, which is essential for the formation of a secure bond between the mother and the baby and for the survival of the baby's needs. In this period, the mother understands the needs of her baby from crying, the sounds she makes, and her gaze and is unable to think of anything other than her baby, which was dependent on her in terms of both physical and emotional needs. This is one of the indispensable occupations for the psychological development of the baby for the mother. However, over time, the mother's mind begins to engage with other things than her baby (eg, to care for her husband, to work, etc.), which is a crucial stage for the baby to be separated from the mother, to be separated, to explore and individualize the outside world. At this point, supporting the newly developing skills of the baby, encouraging him / her to explore and recognize the external world outside the mother, and helping him / her to be separated from the mother is critical for psychological development.

It doesn't matter how much time you spend with the child, but how much 'quality time' you spend!

However, as in many societies, in our society, being a good mother is perceived as devoting almost all of the time and both physical and mental energy to her child. However, what is important for healthy child development is content and emotional saturation rather than duration of physical association. In this context, instead of being together in the same house from morning to evening, it is much more satisfying to spend a half hour during the day, where only the mother and the child establish relationships as if there was no one else in the world, focused on the needs and wishes of the child. Similarly, feeding the child more than necessary and needed is unfortunately perceived as a prerequisite for good motherhood, and emotional and relational saturation is confused with physical satisfaction at this point. Unfortunately, it is a common misconception that working mothers try to close the hunger when they cannot spend time with their children without trying to over-feed them and make their physical hunger an important concern for their children's development. It should not be forgotten that growing up and developing healthy requires physical as well as emotional satisfaction.

Interestingly, many studies conducted in recent years show that mothers who are housewives spend less quality time with their children than working mothers. One of the possible reasons for this may be that working mothers, who are trying to fulfill many responsibilities at the same time, have to plan their time better than housewives, and therefore try to live the limited time they can spend with their children in a better quality. However, even this data is insufficient to prevent the guilt feelings of working mothers.

Working mothers avoid using the word 'No'!

One of the pitfalls that working mothers fall into with these feelings and remorse is to avoid using the word “no ları which they believe will cause their children to lose their love. Saying “no ne can unfortunately be interpreted by working mothers as depriving the child of their wishes as well as care and love, so that the balance between love and limitation can be easily disrupted. Many working mothers develop a false belief that the time that cannot be seen and the lack of interest and love that cannot be adequately demonstrated can be fulfilled by fulfilling all the desires of the child. However, the most basic rule of raising a healthy child is to teach children to postpone their desires, thus limiting them by saying no at inappropriate times. Otherwise, the child always wants more. These children, who are tried not to cause any loss with guilt, start to live an unreal life where they want to be real, and environments where there are various restrictions outside the home and these restrictions and rules are applied consistently can become a nightmare for these children. For example, it is inevitable that these children will experience major adaptation problems in the face of serious obstacles and limitations, especially when they start school; because neither the school nor the outside world will bend to their feet just like their parents.

A mother who does not feel well cannot establish a quality relationship with her child!

In the efforts to make up for the lost time, the mother tries to spend every free time with her child. Because motherhood is perceived as self-sacrifice, self-sacrifice and seeing your child ahead of everything. At this point, mothers forget that they also need to feel good, and like every other adult, they may have many unique needs (for example, socializing with friends, being a little lonely, staying alone with their spouse, etc.). Moreover, it is seen that mothers who devote themselves and their time to their children become depressed over time and reluctantly maintain their relations with their children as a “good mother duty ki, which is obviously not beneficial for both sides. Unfortunately, the quality of the relationship that a mother does not feel well with her child will be limited at that rate. At this point, it is important to remember that even in an emergency in airplanes, parents are expected to wear oxygen masks before their children.

Mothers who don't work can be more depressed!

Considering the fact that a growing number of mothers have been forced to return to business life in recent years, especially for financial reasons, the most important point to be wondered is what influenced the mother-child relationship the most. Research shows that the most important factor is how the mother copes with her feelings about working. The better the mother is able to cope with the anxiety she has of working and transferring day care to someone else and spending relatively little time with her, the better she manages this separation and loss in her relationship with her child. Many research and existing development theories show that the mother's position and the degree of coping with the stress and anxiety caused by the mother, rather than the mother's working, and that the wrong behavior patterns she enters are the main factors affecting her child's development. In particular, the satisfaction of mothers from working and the support of these roles by their spouses seems to create a more positive atmosphere in the mother's general well-being and thus in the relationship with her child. So the issue is more about how the mother copes with her feelings about it. Research shows that part-time mothers experience less depressive complaints and have better general health than non-working mothers, and find it less difficult to balance between home and work than full-time workers. In addition, many studies with mothers who actually want to work but stay at home report that depressive mood is frequently observed in these mothers.

The most basic need of children is love and attention!

The most basic needs of children are warm, safe and consistent relationships where love, care and needs are seen and understood. The most important issue for their healthy development is that the child feels that they are loved, important and valuable rather than spent together. Mothers who care about their own health, needs and happiness at least as much as their children, can cope with their worries about working life, and who can spend satisfactory and quality time even if they are limited with their children will support this development in the best way.

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